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Caregiving - Why Bother?

By John Cheong

I remembered one incident many years ago, when a working widow asked her younger sister, who lived with her to resigned from her job to take care of the grand mother who was disabled. Of course the widow promised to pay her the equivalent of what she’s earning. The younger sister refused to accept that responsibility saying that she has her own life and career to think about.

I too pondered on this when the role of a full-time care-giver’s job dropped onto my lap suddenly. Even though I am retired, there are many things I would love to do and a life I planned to live! So, am I to throw away that retirement plan because of somebody else’s disability? Even though that somebody is your own spouse. Is my own life not just as important as theirs are? Why am I expected to sacrifice myself for somebody else? Yes it is a huge sacrifice for I am not talking about giving up thirty minutes of your time once or thrice a week. Or putting off a vacation from this year to next. I am talking about a drastic change in your own life. This new stressful life isn’t even my choice, it’s somebody else’s life. Moreover it’s one that doesn’t suit me at all let alone being equipped for it.

Wow! Is having such thoughts showed that I am a selfish person? Perhaps, because basically we are all sinful by nature and being selfish is one of the fallen traits of human kind. I guess only in a business environment that looking after capital I is considered a virtue or smart thing to do. Well, if one has the financial means, one can pay for someone to do the dirty job so to say or maybe just turned their backs on the problem and walked away.

This reminded me of another story where a spouse walked away from being the caregiver to pursue her own life! Mind you the husband is a living vegetable and there is not the slightest chance of him ever recovering Except for a miracle from God and it also meant that she’s expected to care for him as long as he lives. Would you leave if you were in such a situation and what if you were in your early 30’s? Tough call this one.

Not for a minute did I realized that I am walking down a well-trodden path without consciously knowing it. It’s just the kind of life of an average caregiver! Caregivers don’t get much attention or publicity in what they do. Most of the time, very few asked them about the tremendous stress as well as the many challenges they faced on a daily basis. Most of the sympathies and enquiries were focused on the disabled person.

Have you noticed that when someone pushes a wheelchair through a crowd, it’s the wheelchair that attracts the glances and no one notices the person pushing the wheelchair? He or she is invisible! Very few in the crowd spare the caregiver a thought. Is that so terrible? Well, before I became a caregiver I too did not noticed the person pushing the wheelchair!

This brings to mind a rather interesting question. Why do you serve as a caregiver? Is it by choice? In many cases, I think not. Was it forced upon you? I find it hard to believe that anyone held a gun to your head as you agreed to take on the care of another individual. Yet so many of you would be quick to assert that there was no one else available to do the job you're doing. What about alternative choices like hiring someone else to do the job? Possible but you could have missed out something important!

After about a year serving as a caregiver, I did pondered or had a monologue with the above question. Why did I do it? As though a voice spoke into my heart and told me why I was given this task and responsibility of a caregiver. I just knew that the answer came from God! Only the Lord could have created the circumstances that made it feasible for me to assume the responsibility of holding the life of another in my hands. How very special can this make you feel, knowing that the Creator of this universe sets you apart from others in your family to expand the depth of your love, stretching your patience and at the same time empowering you to handle the irregularities of a caregiver's daily schedule.

In closing, I like to say that care-giving is like being in love as someone said. When it happens to you, it sort of changes your entire life inside out and the emotions experienced are so overpowering that you think you must be the only person in the whole wide world ever to feel this way.

A thought-provoking essay! You have my respect for discussing this openly. Most other people in Asian cultures would be stoic (or pretend to be stoic) and be a caregiver without talking about it.

I think it ultimately depends on your relationship and feelings for the person needing the care. It would be a mistake - and dishonest - to provide care just because society expects you to do so, if you would rather be doing something else. Nowadays, care can be outsourced, in-house to domestic helpers from third-world countries paid $2/day, or to a caregiving facility. Of course, if the relationship was very strong, and such a thing as true love exists, then the caregiver would probably rather do it himself/herself. That's my take on it.

Thanks Nick for your comments. Really appreciate it! Yes the relationship between the care-giver and the 'patient' play a very significant part in it. In a strange way the job of a care-giver is quite rewarding especially in the building of one's character!

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